Sitting here pondering.
The last couple of days I have gone through so many emotions and feelings. None of them could be named by anger or frustration, yet the exact word cannot be found. The fluctuation in my emotions probably has something to do with mother nature's visit this week or just being a mother--- you WILL get a lot more emotional after childbirth and it doesn't seem to lessen through the months. Honestly, you will probably never be the same. You won't be. Here are my thoughts: (from Sunday morning on)
- complete gratitude during our life after death Sunday school lesson
- pride for our American heritage while watching the sky light up
- deep sadness for a great loss in our family (here and here)
- worry for my family and their feelings
- joy in the thought of Grandpa meeting his son
- tenderness towards my husband-- who doesn't cry (at least not often)
- insecurity with myself
- desire to fix
- happy memories during the two short years with my only grandfather
- confusion about what I am suppose to do or feel
While I write this, I am unsure if I should just hit delete or finish. It is hard to loose someone who means so much to you... and sometimes harder when they mean even more to another. How do you help a love one cope and cope yourself? I don't know what to do. For now, I type.
I know when my grandmother died during high school, I was mute and didn't want to talk. Maybe me and Mr. Pendleton are more alike than I think.... so maybe I do know. I will just be. Be the one that I needed during my hard time. Hopefully, that will be enough... I think it will.
I must finish the packing and cleaning before little miss leaves dreamland.
I read once, that it takes courage to write. I find that interesting... and so true.
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1 comment:
Thank you for your thoughts. I know what you mean in so many of them. Thank you for being here for the funeral and for singing. It meant a lot to mean and how you feel about my father. I am so lucky to have my daughter-in-laws that don't feel like in-laws.
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